Drunken Pumpkin

1. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now YOU say something.

5. Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner!

8. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you!!!!

12. Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.

So I wanted to make sure that it was available to anyone else who might be interested. For search purposes, this website offers downloading the The Original Oregon Trail, able to be installed and played on Windows.

Anyone who attended elementary school in the 80’s will remember this game, and for those of you who may not know it, here are reviews by GameSpot.com and ClassicGaming.com

• Homer Simpson’s Hamburger Recipes

• Home Chemistry Gag Cooks Up Internet Fame

  (tags: mentos diet coke)

• Fish Tank at The Age of Aquariums

  How to plans

  (tags: DIY)

• Jeff Duntemann’s Wardriving FAQ

  random acts of piracy

  (tags: DIY)

• Cool Stuff Being Made: How Sparklers Are Made

  (tags: Educational)

• How to Buy Nothing

  This should be a required class in high school

  (tags: Educational)

• How to Do Nothing

  More difficult than you would think

  (tags: DIY Educational)

Jeff was doing a little research the other day on eXtreme sports and I think he may have missed the point by just a teensy bit.

 I know I’ve often thought that most sports could do with the addition of a little more violence and abundantly more explosions. Just think how much more fun could be had if golf included a string of 16,000 firecrackers, then we’d see what kind of concentration these folks have.

And just think if more trick-or-treat expeditions ended in impromptu boxing matches. Loads of fun.

I only noticed a problem with Jeff’s searches when I saw the beginnings of a petition to the commitee for the x-games to include deep sea fish surfing into the next competition as an exhibition sport. I had to ask him to take that one down. I mean the last thing we need is a bunch of skateboarders out in the middle of the ocean trying to catch a giant tuna to power their parachute. While I admit that it would be a hoot to see such a spectacle, I don’t think that too many of them would make it back to the safety of a quarter pipe in time to break their wrists for the enjoyment of others. Remember kids the ocean is not a place for wheels.

I would like to see more people playing classical music with bike horns strapped to their body. Leave it to the french to come up with the next level of culture. In reality that’s Jeff’s idea, but he could only ever find bike horns tuned to C-sharp and that just got repetitive after a while. Try to imagine the Anvil Chorus played with a single note, and no anvils. *sigh*

Tune in tomorrow when I tell you about Jeff’s magic trout fishing guide for the para-sailing inclined.