Drunken Pumpkin

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

1. Passing gas and blaming it on me.
Not funny…not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.
I’m a dog, you numbskull!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog!
Woooo-Hooooooo!
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip,” then acting surprised when I
panic every time we go back.

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven’t you noticed the fur?

10. Acting disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things, we both know who’s boss here
You don’t see me picking up your poop, do you?

2006-07-24 3:30AM Boston MA - About 3:30am a victim walked into District 4 to explain that while parked at the corner of Boylston Street & Massachusetts Avenue in his taxi, a white male in a red Honda Civic pulled up to the rear of his vehicle and began blowing his horn. After blowing his horn repeatedly, the suspect pulled up beside the cab and rolled down his passenger side window. The victim then rolled down his drivers side window to explain that he was parked in a taxi stand when the suspect hurled a green “Yo-Yo”, striking the victim in the left side of his face. The victim declined medical attention at the scene.

I can’t find corroborating records of this story, but it’s funny enough to list. Originally found at Incidentlog.com

PLEASE post a comment if you are one of the 200 people who are going to be taking part.

Don’t worry, the article is suitable for work.

I’m often worried about the state of Jeff’s health. He keeps asking me if it’s normal that his toenails are green. I usually just tell him that it’s probably nothing to worry about. But I don’t really think that.

Most people I ask to take their shoes off when they come in the house. I tend to walk around barefoot myself and don’t want to subject my feet to whatever is stuck to the bottom of their shoes. I also don’t want them to have an unfair advantage when we play “stomp your neighbors foot” (Jeff assures me it’s a classic). However, I make an exception in Jeff’s case. The only green toes I want to see are those that I can verify have been painted. And if Jeff is painting his toenails he isn’t letting on.

Although, I do have to say that Jeff does have plenty of culture apart from that which exists on his feet. He is the fellow that introduced me to “stomp your neighbor’s feet” and “target vomiting”. Just because someone ends most stories with, “… honest officer” doesn’t mean they don’t have culture. It just means they have a very special culture.

Come back tomorrow and see the sideshow freaks that donated all their old teeth and tattoos to the victims of Katrina.

For the next couple of weeks I’m going to be out with a herd of North American short-hairs driving them across the midwest. Okay, that’s not true, but I am going on a little vacation through the great American Midwest. Some of it may prove valuable for the podcast I mentioned a week or so ago, or it may just be some pointless crap that I harass Jeff with.

Anyway, my access to a computer and the internet might be a little less than consistent, so my posting may be even more haphazard than it already is.

Come August 12 any irregularities should be curable by a dose of metamucil.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

Jeff is thinking of running for president in 2008. No, really. His platform will mainly include mandatory views of Drunken Pumpkin and comments thereon. It’s a narrow platform, I agree, but it has it’s benefits.

Our current Presidents platform seems to revolve around killing people, and I find that a little worrying. I’m also a little creeped out that he thought it was okay to give quick squeeze to the German Chancellor, and on TV no less. At least Clinton had the good sense to do that crap in private with an intern. So, Jeff would also have a firm, “no fondling dignitaries” statement in his platform as well.

Jeff would also institute the need for a Commercial Channel, all commercials, all the time. (I haven’t watched TV in so long, this may already exist.) And the Cleo awards would be big affairs with movie gods and rockstars. And if they didn’t want to participate Jeff would gently remind them of the last guys solution to those sorts of problems, and maybe they should just shuffle on out there onto that stage and make with the entertaining.

I’d like to end this on a shaggy dog story, but I’m just not that clever.
Remember, Jeff in ‘08!

Tune in tomorrow as Jeff freaks out about the giant aquatic centipedes I sent him over the weekend.