Drunken Pumpkin

This struck me funny in that I can’t understand a single word the guy is saying, and it still strikes me as very similar to the “This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs” ad campaign.

First of all, let me be clear: The following IS an urban legend. That means that it is not true, apparently has been traced back to the 1960’s without still being able to locate it’s origins, so it could be much older.

Be that as it may, it’s funny.

Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This
radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”

Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”

Americans: “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE
UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT’S
ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.”

Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

A little something to haunt you if you go out this weekend.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says, “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”
———————————————————————-
Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
Witness: “The victim lived.”
———————————————————————-
Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”
———————————————————————-
Lawyer: “Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”
Witness: “Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it. ~ J. Robert Oppenheimer

Jeff and I both agree that the easiest way to get away with a lie is to wrap it in the truth. Or, at least, wrap it in bacon and claim it is the truth.

Jeff knew Sam Clemens back when he was working on Huck Finn, and frequently told him that the best way to get away with being devious was to openly admit it and thus confound your opponents. This is quite the sound rhetorical theory and it only works because almost no one uses it. Just take a look at Hitler. He laid out his plan for genocide pretty early on in his career, and nobody believed anyone could be that crazy. Just imagine if your local politician said he was going to raise your taxes and make mowing your lawn on Sundays illegal. You’d think he was out of his mind and vote the silly bugger into office in a second.

Jeff was out looking for audacity today, and found it all over the place. The PSA about pot is a perfect example. Everyone knows that martial artists don’t indulge in such a practice. After all of those hits to the head, neck and groin that they sustain there really is no need for a chemical to alter ones perceptions. My guess is that guy has flobbed that break on more than one occassion and taken a liking to the pretty stars that he sees when things go amiss. And not only that, such a practice, whacking one’s head with a board, is still perfectly legal in the U.S.

A further example of audacity in Jeff’s post is the goaly that looks like Rick James. When you look like that kind of a bad ass you had better be good, or somebody is going to plunge that gheri curl straight into a toilet. And I would imagine looking like Rick James would make you think that you were pretty damn snazzy anyway. Now that I think about it, that’s a little bit what Jeff looks like when he’s feeling particularly inventive. I’ll bet he had the disco ball going all day today as he scoured the internet for things to brighten your day.

Tune in tomorrow when Jeff breaks out his own gheri curled locks and finds even more examples of being successful at looking downright silly.