Drunken Pumpkin

1) Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.

2) Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

3) If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.

4) Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didnt know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.

5) So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
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Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. ~ Albert Einstein

Jeff was out looking for some information on the fate of our country yesterday. It’s apparent that he was a little concerned about our slip from first to sixth in economic competitiveness. However, I think there may have been a slight miscalculation. While we have become a little more restrictive in our stand on immigration, the U.S. has taken a different approach to acquiring new talent for the country, now we just annex countries full of natural resources. In that respect Afghanistan and Iraq were represented in the findings, they were just hidden.

The photo from the beach is really just a graphic representation of our current situation in the world theater. I’m sure that being buried up to your neck in sand as the tide was coming in, like invading sovereign nations to “free” them and pissing off every other industrial nation, seemed like a good idea at the time.

And Jeff’s concern doesn’t stop at the borders to our own country. His post about the state of the world’s climate is a testament to that. I would like to make an addendum to his solution. Instead of everyone holding their breath for the same minute, I would suggest that all of the world’s political leaders hold their breath for the same ten minute span, to compensate for their smaller numbers, of course. This will work out best if large men in cheap suits “help” them out by holding their mouths and noses shut. Just thinking about it the air seems cleaner and the temperature is stabilizing.

Tune in tomorrow as Jeff turns his concern outward to the fate of the galaxy in an expanding Universal economy.

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
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Full article can be found here

So I submit a plan that will give us all a chance to do our part. On October 1st at 4:45pm GST (click here if you need to translate that to your local timezone), everyone in the world will hold their breath for one minute, preventing all of that hot air from entering the atmosphere and giving the earth a chance to cool down.

But doing your part by holding your breath is not enough. Make sure to reach over and clap your hand over the nose and mouth of the person next to you and hold their breath for that same one minute period.

Together we can make a difference.

Down from first one year ago. Reasons cited are poor response to Hurricane Katrina, government corruption, and immigration restrictions. Full article can be found here.

Neither Iraq nor Afghanistan were ranked.

For that matter, I’d like to know what the people depicted were saying when the shutter clicked.

The morale of this story? Never jump to conclusions.

I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can’t be done. ~ Henry Ford

Jeff knows I’m allergic to cats. I happen to like cats, and they seem to like me. However, they also seem to like to make my eyes swell shut and my nose run like a faucet. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why they like me. While I’m blinded and looking for a tissue they can tear around the house and eat the plants with impunity. Bloody animals, but we’ll fix their little conspiracy soon enough.

And Jeff must have been making certain that the alien mothership was Open Source compatible. I know he had some kind of hand in that Firefox crop circle. He made one of mickey mouse in a corn field thirty years ago, and there has been nothing but trouble ever since.

I also find it interesting that on a day when Jeff is posting a myriad of conspiracies that a quote from Robert Anton Wilson comes up. Wilson wrote the ultimate conspiracy book, The Illuminatus Trilogy. How incredibly appropriate, or was it meant to be that way?

And I think that in his poking around for conspiracies Jeff may have stumbled upon a plausible one concerning the discovery channel and the Conspiracy of Silence documentary. Actually, by my count I found at least three conspiracies going on in that article all by itself. All of them seem likely to be based in some kind of truth.

And remember folks, when you dope up your kids to keep them “mellow” the max sentence is two years, plenty of time for them to learn to sleep through the night on their own.

Tune in tomorrow when Jeff reveals the secret handsignals that will call the mothership down to make sure your computer is Linux compliant.