Drunken Pumpkin

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

(Rodney Dangerfield)

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.
She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.”
The guy replies, “Hey, why not?”
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint-my-house.”

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
“Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”
She said. “No. I hate myself now.”

(Rodney Dangerfield)

Eric joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.”
He goes: “Not in a row!”

(Steven Wright)

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.”
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.

Jackie Mason

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