Drunken Pumpkin

Eloise D. Reaves, 50, approached the Putnam County sheriff’s deputy at a convenience store Friday, telling him that another man had sold her “bad crack” that contained wax and cocaine.

Read the full story here

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated….Please read the following carefully…….
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
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THE OFFICIAL DREIDEL OPERATORS MANUAL

You are now the proud owner of a high-quality, state of the art
“Dreidel” which can make you a winner! A multi-faceted, interactive
educational and entertainment micro-system, the versatile Dreidel
utilizes maximum kinetic transfer technology, putting years of
wondrous experience at your fingertips.

Rapidly rotating on its axis, the Dreidel is driven by centrifugal
forces that defy gravitational pull. The Dreidel operates efficiently on
renewable energy sources at high, medium and low speeds.
Velocity and RPM levels are adjusted by the flick of a finger.
Perfectly balanced and precision engineered, the Dreidel is virtually
maintenance free. It has no moving parts, and no batteries or
upgrades are required.

TO USE: Hold joystick-like handle in upright position, using thumb
and forefinger to accelerate. Best when operated on smooth
surfaces with low coefficient of friction. Device may appear
stationary, but sound indicates Dreidel is in use.

After completing its spinning mode, the Dreidel reaches its turning
point and begins to gyrate, displaying various conic sections as it
decelerates. Dreidel will then shut down automatically. Quick
turnaround time allows Dreidel to be used repeatedly. Follow
instruction code indicated above and restart.
(from “Chabad News & Views,” published by the Chabad Center
of Passaic County, NJ)

This War Brought to You by Pepsi

I had an idea that I think will make the Iraq war a little easier on everyone. Troops don’t have adequate armor and we are having a hard time spreading democracy throughout the land. I think it’s high time to stop screwing around and start doing what our capitalist society does best. Advertising!

I’m proposing that the US government sell advertisement space. Put some company logos on our armored vehicles, and patches on our solders uniforms. It would be kind of like Nascar. Not only will it open up new revenue to support our troops, it will serve to break new ground for western companies to share their fine products with a new and captive market.

The above is an excerpt of an article found on Newsvine.com. You can read the full article here.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.