Drunken Pumpkin

- A label on a baby stroller warns: “Remove child before folding”
- A brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end warns: “Harmful if swallowed”
- A popular scooter for children warns: “This product moves when used.”
- A nine- by three-inch bag of air used as packing material cautions: “Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device.”
- A flushable toilet brush warns: “Do not use for personal hygiene.”
- The label on an electric hand blender promoted for use in “blending, whipping, chopping and dicing,” warns: “Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating.”
- A digital thermometer that can be used to take a person’s temperature several different ways warns: “Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally.”
- A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”
- A label on a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping”
- A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”
- The label on a bottle of drain cleaner warns: “If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.”
- A smoke detector warns: “Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire.”
- A massage chair warns: “DO NOT use massage chair without clothing… and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving.”
- A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place”
- An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks”
- A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious”
- A 12-inch rack for storing compact disks warns: “Do not use as a ladder.”
- A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”
- A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use”
- A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes”
- A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”
- A snowblower warns: “Do not use snowthrower on roof.”
- A dishwasher carries this warning: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”
- A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire”
- A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”

The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (MLAW) hosts a contest every year for the best Stupid Product Labels. Those listed above are some of the honorable mentions from the past eight years. MLAW’s site has photos of the winners and honorable mentions from 2006.

Every American feels that they know their rights, but in this day and age, how can you keep up?

With this revolutionary coffee mug! The exterior of the mug bears the Bill of Rights; the first ten amendments to the Constitution, guaranteeing certain protections for every American citizen.

Just fill the mug with your favorite hot beverage, and watch the Patriot Act in action. Substantial portions of the text fade away and disappear right before your eyes.

Be a good American. Be a good consumer. Buy the mug.

Currently priced at $21.50 for a pair of mugs, available at AcornOnline.com

Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

Jeff has been looking for a way out of his indentured servitude to the man for quite some time now. And to be honest, websites about debt consolidation aren’t always that helpful. Not that that is a bad site or anything, but sometimes it’s the obvious answers that elude us.

For example, I don’t know how long it took me to convince Jeff that he was, in fact, a Jedi Master. Even after I pointed out that he could fly and was old enough to remember Mark Twain before he went gray. You’d think that kind of thing would be self-evident, but not always.

And Bertrand Russell is just further proof of Jeff’s search for some kind of metaphysical reality. That, or he’s sick of dropping stupid people into the incinerator and wants them to start thinking on their own, but, you never know.

Tune in tomorrow for some adolescent Angst from two guys that can’t remember not needing to shave.