Drunken Pumpkin

“The Wimp Who Didn’t Chase His Ball Across The Street”

“You’re Never Too Young To Masturbate”

“Let’s Throw Rocks at Retards”

“The Shame Of Adoption.”

“Let’s Run Along The Highway”

“The Secret At The Bottom Of The Pool”

“You Were an Accident”

“Strangers Have the Best Candy”

“Whatever happened to the Little Sissy Who Snitched?”

“Some Kittens Can Fly!”

“Katie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”

“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let’s Go Ride Bikes!”

“All Dogs Go to Hell”

“The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking”

“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It”

“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”

“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”

“Bi-Curious George”

“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”

“You Are Different and That’s Bad”

“The Fallacy of Looking Both Ways Before You Cross the Street”

A Mafia Godfather and his attorney are meeting with an accountant who has embezzled money from the mob. The Godfather demands to know where it is.

The attorney interrupts, “Godfather, remember, this man is a deaf mute. But I know sign language.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney says “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the accountant’s head, and says, “Ask him again where the damn money is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

The attorney says “He claims you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asks “Will you buy booze?”

The bum says “No.”

The man asks “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum says “No.”

Then the man says “Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaagghhh!!’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in

I’m currently in the process of moving, so I make no promises about the quality or quantity of my contributions. I’ve found that after moving 20+ boxes of books and a metric ton of yarn it’s difficult to be funny. At least, it’s difficult to be funny to people that are less exhausted than you are.

So, currently I’m sitting in a largely barren apartment trying to get a little breath back. It’s times like these when quitting smoking seems like a really good idea. But then I rest a bit, and the spots go away and I light up another one. And people say that I have no commitment.

The truly funny thing is that I’m moving back into the same apartment building that I moved out of about three years ago. If only I had known then that I’d be coming right back I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and just stayed here. But alas, it was not meant to be.

Stay tuned for more tales of the weary.

The American Indians found out what happens when you don’t control immigration.