Drunken Pumpkin

…the television, that insidious beast, that Medusa which freezes a billion people to stone every night, staring fixedly, that Siren which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little…

There are a number of ways to sort out that you are no longer in America.

1) You get off of an airplane (your first hint, really) and sitting there near the exit is an ashtray. Not the exit to the airport, the exit to the departure gate. It seems that the rest of the world isn’t as violently opposed to smoking as the U.S., although I have heard that this may be changing in the not so distant future. But as of right now, you can still smoke in certain sections of German airports, and nearly everywhere else as well.

2) When walking around town you see dogs, lots of them, everywhere. And I’m not talking about stray dogs roaming the streets in packs, or dogs on leashes in the park. No, I mean dogs on the train, in stores, and in restaurants. Some of these animals are leashed, but most of them are not, but they all seem to stick close to their owners and are some of the best behaved animals I have ever seen.

3) Speaking of the train, that’s another hint. You don’t need a car to get around. Public transit actually works, and works well. I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that if you can’t get there by train, you probably don’t want to be there anyway.

4) If you walk into a restaurant or store, that clearly lacks anywhere to sit and buy a bottle of beer and the cashier looks confused when you turn down the bottle opener so you can drink on the way home, it’s also a pretty good sign that you’re no longer in America. I’ve seen more people drinking here than I ever did in the states. However, they seem to be drinking because they like the stuff, instead of drinking to get drunk. I don’t think I’ve seen a single person that I would call “drunk” in my time oversees. (Okay, that’s not exactly true, but it was at a wedding and that doesn’t really count.)

5) Eventually you will also notice that your soft drinks no longer have free refills. I have to say, that little fact has been the one that hit me the hardest. I tend to drink a lot of soda, and paying $3 a glass is starting to take its toll, as I am also a cheap bastard.

6) But being cheap isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Such as, while traveling around you see these tiny cars everywhere. It turns out that the Smart car is incredibly popular over here. I haven’t asked anyone about this, but I think I have it figured out why. First, the cars are cheap and fuel efficient, and with gas costing around $6 a gallon, that’s important. Second, these things are small, and European roads are downright tiny. A lot of that is holdover from when these cities were purely pedestrian. And third, you can park one of these monsters nearly anywhere. They are really about as long as most American cars are wide, which opens up a whole new range of parking options.

7) Language is also a big indicator that you’re no longer in America. But possibly for different reasons. If you walk up to someone and gabble at them in your heathen lingo and they look a little confused and apologetic, you’re in Germany. If that same thing happens, but the listener suddenly looks a little irritated and, possibly, starts yelling at you in their own heathen lingo, you’re quite likely in the U.S.

8) And last, but not least, when you get to your hotel and lay down on the bed and your pillow seems like little more than a folded up town in a fancy pillow case, you’re probably not in America, anymore. I’m seriously curious about this state of affairs. Do Germans really sleep completely flat? And what does it say about Americans that we need a bit of cotton and feathers to keep our head up? I haven’t a clue about either of those things, but I know I’ll be pretty happy to have my own pillow back again when we get back to the states.

That’s all for now, I’ll try to post again soon, and I return you to the capable hands of the inimitable Jeff, and his computer of ass-kicking.