Drunken Pumpkin

Blame Darwin!

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
Continue Reading »

I don’t have internet access at home currently. So, my experience of the world right now is moving at the speed of paper, and that’s really no good. However, we do have XM satellite radio. In order to find something worthy of mockery I listened to the right wing radio station. I think it’s channel 144 for those of you playing along at home. And I had the chance to sit through an episode of Dr. Laura for the first time. Lordy that woman’s a bitch.

Okay, the first thing to do is to go have a look at Dr. Laura’s wikipedia page. My favorite stuff is the fact that everything she rails against, shacking up, family abandonment, and so on, are things that she is completely guilty of. She never makes any sort of apology for her own behavior, she just attacks those that have made poor moral choices. Now, I know that she can’t keep saying, “I’m sorry I’m a bad person, but that’s no reason for you to make bad decisions.” But she could at least hold herself up as an example. “I did x and it turned out poorly, so you might want to avoid that.”

I also love that she is called Dr. Laura. Her degree is much more academic than medical or even professional. I mean, she has a degree in Physiology. She should be a personal trainer, not a therapist. But maybe that’s a little too scary. It’s not a wise idea to talk smack about someone that is holding a 10 pound dumbbell at the time. “Don’t be such a whiner, give me another…” DING. And down she goes.

The thing I did like about Dr. Laura is that she told some of these people what they needed to hear. Your husband beats you? Time for a divorce. You’re going to have a handicapped kid? Suck it up and find out what that’s like and then deal with it. Good advice. It’s the kind of advice you get from people that have no desire to be nice to you. You’re friends won’t tell you to ditch your husband, because they have to deal with the consequences if they were wrong in that situation. Random strangers don’t.

I think I have a better solution than calling up a lady to be humiliated on national radio, go to a bar and talk to a bartender. He doesn’t care about you. He can be just as callous as she can, and the advice will largely be the same. Or, go to a truck stop and talk to a trucker. That’s a group of people with very few illusions about how the world works. Unless, of course, it’s their own personal life and then they can’t make a proper decision to save their life. But, hey, neither can Dr. Laura, so it all works out in the end.

I think maybe that could be the next big talk radio craze. Truck line, we’ll fix your problems from the open road. Maybe we should start that on the Pumpkin, what do you think. I’m sure we’ve got a trucker somewhere that would be a bastard to people. It could be fun. Or, at least, funny. Well, funny for us, anyway.

Well, the moral of the story is, don’t expect me to know anything about the up to the minute world, I’m floating along listening to the radio without any internet. Damn, I had hoped to be a little more uplifting than that, maybe I need some more Dr. Laura.

Tune in tomorrow when I give some spoilers about the new Harry Potter movie. (Actually, I won’t do that. That would mean taking notes in the theater, and I’m not hip to that.) But come on back, I’m sure we’ll have something exciting.