I normally don’t like reviewing stuff that I didn’t enjoy. The world is filled to the brim with crap, finding crap is easy. Finding stuff that is good is usually a little more difficult, and I like to make people’s lives a little easier. However, when something is really spectacular crap, I think it needs mentioning.
Okay, I’m not going to tell you right off what this horrible movie was, but I’ll get there eventually.
I was really confounded about the film when I first heard about it. The idea sounded pretty stupid, but then I heard who was involved and decided it was necessary for me to see it. It was written by Guinevere Turner, the same lady that wrote the screenplays for American Psycho and The Notorious Bettie Page . So, that’s a pretty good start.
And then I saw the actors involved. Michael Madsen, Geraldine Chaplin (Charlie’s her father), Billy Zane, Meatloaf, and Ben Kingsley. They had Ghandi in this movie! They had Bob! They had Mr. Blonde! They had the offspring of one of the greatest film stars ever! How could this happen? This is a videogame movie, it is destined to suck. It was directed by Uwe Boll, the man known for turning major studio productions into b-film garbage. How on earth did these talents get involved with this catastrophe?
Okay, I’m talking about Bloodrayne. If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t. It is a horrible film. The story is told via a series of progressive flashbacks. It’s rather like Memento in that respect. The difference being, that Memento is supposed to be a little confusing on the time line, it’s about a guy with no short term memory. Bloodrayne is a vampire film, I guess.
There are quite a few action sequences in this travesty, and they don’t really make up for it. All of the actors look like this is the first time they ever held a sword. Chances are, it is the first time they held a sword, but it shouldn’t look like that onscreen, that’s just bad. Especially when they are playing hardened vampire hunters. I can’t imagine a vampire hunter that is unfamiliar with edged weapons would last very long.
And then there’s the random sex scenes. Nothing against that kind of thing, but really, wtf? These scenes seemed to be added just so that the 18 and under crowd would have a reason to rent this. Just pathetic. My favorite part about the sex scenes is based on some trivia from IMDB. Apparently, it was cheaper to hire prostitutes in the scenes with Meatloaf than it was to hire actresses, so that’s exactly what they did. I find that pretty funny. And the prostitutes do just as good a job acting to the horrible script as any of the real actors. That part’s a little sad, though.
Okay, don’t rent Bloodrayne. Just don’t. I know all of the talented folks involved in it may suck you in, I know they did me, but it really is the horrible film that your first impression tells you it will be. Save your time and money for something else. Go rent Doom, even, it’s way better than this.
Tune in tomorrow for more filler, and a chance to taunt Jeff about his taste in websites.
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