Drunken Pumpkin

John Chapman was born on September 26th, 1774 in Leominster, Massachusetts. He later became known as Johnny Appleseed.

A sign at his birthplace reads, “He planted seeds that others might enjoy fruit”

Segregation is the adultery of an illicit intercourse between injustice and immorality.

One of the first writing assignments I give to any of my students is to tell me a story about something important in their life. It always shocks me the number of people that complain about an assignment of this type. After all, it doesn’t require research and is about everyone’s favorite topic, themselves. From my end it’s a great assignment, because I’m reasonably certain they can’t cheat on it, and it lets me know what level of story telling my students have. If you can’t tell a story you can’t argue a point. So, it’s best to get that kind of thing out of the way pretty early on.

However, I teach in prison. And those folks have some interesting stories to tell. Even the ones that couldn’t tell you the subject of a sentence if their life, or grade, depended on it. From these essays, I’ve learned some valuable truths.

1) All felons love their kids. They love them so much, and want to keep the family together that they will sell drugs, rob, or kill in order to do so, even if that means a prison term. (Look, they’re felons, logic is not necessarily a strong suit. Besides, that just means they’re stupid, and stupid is curable.)

2) Never have kids when you’re under the age of 16. Most people know this one, but sometimes you need an object lesson.

3) It’s better to get locked up for 50 years for something you didn’t do, than it is to snitch. This one is so prevalent that my students won’t even tell me when someone is in the bathroom.

4) The Females love a playa. I’m not real sure what that means, but it seems to come up a lot.

5) Doing crack before heading to school in the fifth grade, no matter how fun, will only cause trouble in the end.

I’ve learned lots of other valuable advice from my students, but those seem to be the big life lessons. Tune in tomorrow for more of the exciting adventures of Pyrophage behind bars.

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets.

~ Brigader Lethbridge-Stewart

We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like. I have prepared one of my own. I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like.

I haven’t seen 3:10 to Yuma, but I really want to despite the silly review tagline. In the trailers it says “3:10 to Yuma is the best western since Unforgiven.” Wasn’t that pretty much the last Western?

The true irony, I think, of the Western genre is the predominance of non-Americans in pivotal roles. Take 3:10 to Yuma for instance. The main characters are played by a kiwi and a brit. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just a little strange.

And let’s look back at that last great Western Unforgiven. Shot in Canada, except for one sequence. Odd, don’t you think?

But surely, the Westerns of a bygone era were shot in the U.S. Who else would be that interested in our history, besides us? Apparently, the Spanish and the Italians for a start. Most of Clint Eastwoods early Westerns were called Spaghetti Westerns for a reason. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly; A Fistful of Dollars; and For a Few Dollars More were all fillmed in Spain by the Italian Sergio Leone. Strange.

Not only that, but Al Swearingen, from HBO’s “Deadwood” is played by UK born Ian McShane. But it is filmed in the states, California, to be exact.

Now, what I don’t get is why some of these things aren’t filmed in the American West. I’ve been through South Dakota and Wyoming and such. There’s nothing there. No one to bother. And a lot of those ranchers probably wouldn’t even know you were there until the electric bill showed up. The American West is chock full of scenery, and not much else, so why aren’t Western filmmakers taking advantage of this?

Of course, like all rules, this one has an exception. John Wayne. Wayne made Westerns in the west. A quick survey shows filming locations in Utah, Colorado, and Arizona. Places with little else but scenery. See, it can be done.

So, next time you’re thinking, “I should make a Western” give Wyoming some thought. And remember to thank me in the credits.

Tune in tomorrow for more sage advice. And maybe some onion advice as well.

Here`s an English t’ Pirate Translator, ya scurvy cur who ortin’ t’ be keel hauled!

Entertainingly, ‘t translates `Drunken Pumpkin` t’ `Loaded t’ th’ Gunwhales Pumpkin`.