Drunken Pumpkin

Maybe I was spoiled as a youth. Perhaps I had a mystic doctor that knew all kinds of secret rituals that allowed him to heal me on a fairly frequent basis, usually on the first go.

Today, those secret rituals, known to the laymen as “tests” have fallen out of fashion, and Doctors instead ask the patient pointless questions like, “how long has this been a problem, and what were you doing when it happened?” Now, I know some of you are going to say, those are important questions. And I agree, to a point. But wouldn’t it be better to say, run some tests before asking some of these questions?

I think too many Doctors anymore may think they are Dr. Greg House from TV. The difference of course being that Dr. House is fictional and deals with people that are dying from mysterious diseases. And he’s fictional. Not real. But he does have a good standing line. “Patients lie.” And maybe that’s the part of the show that the Doctors I’ve been to have been missing.

When I come in with a sore throat don’t start asking me a bunch of dumbass questions about how I feel. Look at my throat. You’ve got the cool flashlight and the wooden sticks, look at the bit of me that is causing problems. Don’t ask how long it’s hurt and then give me a packet of antibiotics and send me on home. Look at the problem pre-diagnosis.

As you can tell I’ve had some issues with the medical profession here recently. And it did remind me of my own childhood experiences. I thought maybe I was just remembering the good old days with a rose colored mind, but I talked to a few other people and discovered I wasn’t alone in my assessment. Granted, my survey was far from scientific, but it did contain some interesting insights.

America has become very hip to taking medication before sorting out if it’s even needed. Just watch TV for a bit or read a magazine and you’ll encounter an ad for some new drug. They won’t tell you what it does, they just say “ask your Dr. if it’s right for you.” And before you know it you have lot’s of people being treated for allergies that they can’t point to and treating an erectile dysfunction they never even noticed before. Followed by the host of medicines needed to tame the side-effects of these drugs they had never even heard of before picking up the latest edition of some golfing magazine. Hey, Prednisone may be right for you. Just ask your doctor.

My doctor actually told me that medicine was trial and error. That makes me nervous. I know that biology is a dodgy field, but shouldn’t we already pretty much know what a drug will treat prior to giving it to someone? And shouldn’t we already know what the problem is prior to treatment? Those two assumptions imply that the bulk of the “trial and error” part should have been played out in some lab months, if not years, ago.

So, my instruction to you folks; don’t ask your doctor if some drug is right for you. And don’t answer any damn questions until your doctor has actually looked at your afflicted area. The Patch Adams school of medicine is all well and good for preventative care, but when I’m sick just fix the problem.

End rant.

Here I’ve listed some of my favorites. The full list is available at money.cnn.com.

2. Northwest Airlines
In July, bankrupt Northwest Airlines begins laying off thousands of ground workers, but not before issuing some of them a handy guide, “101 Ways to Save Money.”

The advice includes dumpster diving (”Don’t be shy about pulling something you like out of the trash”), making your own baby food, shredding old newspapers for use as cat litter, and taking walks in the woods as a low-cost dating alternative.

3. McDonald’s
In August, McDonald’s runs a promotional contest in Japan in which it gives away 10,000 Mickey D’s-branded MP3 players.

The gadgets come preloaded with 10 songs - and, in some cases, a version of the QQPass family of Trojan horse viruses, which, when uploaded to a PC, seeks to capture passwords, user names, and other data and then forward them to hackers.

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Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

…but that doesn’t make him any less funny.

No horse, no matter how dead, can be beaten enough.

Trust me on this one.

The earth is suffocating . . . Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won’t be buried alive.

Dying of tuberculosis
Died October 16, 1849

Yesterday I talked about the news Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema may have reached an agreement about him directing The Hobbit. Now I’d like to offer a different reason on why folks might have been so intent on Jackson being back at the helm for The Hobbit.

Ever since the Fellowship of the Ring came out there has been a renewed interest in travel to New Zealand. Even my wife has been caught up in this insanity. So much so, that she bought a book to learn Maori. Anyway, Jackson’s vision of Middle Earth has generated a lot of revenue for his home country. And I say, good for him. Without him there wouldn’t be either this Lord of the Rings tour or this one. And I’m pretty sure that the Lord of the Rings Self Driving tour wouldn’t exist either.

So, the rabid fanboys need new locations to scout. And they want it to be in New Zealand. Why? You ask. I think it might have something to do with a recent study from Durex that was reported on New Zealand’s Stuff.com.

Truly, it would be awkward for these basement dwellers that still live with their parents to come out and say, “Hey Mom, I’ve saved up all my money from selling miniatures on eBay and I’m heading to New Zealand to get ‘lucky. But if they’re taking a “driving tour of the Shire,” that’s a little less socially awkward.

Well, that’s my theory, anyway. And I’ve found you can blame nearly anything on sex and you won’t be too far off the mark. Just ask yourself why there are so many “little people” in towns that hold Wizard of Oz festivals. I think you’ll see my point.

Tune in next time, when we talk about the ultimate meaning of life, and how most people will never understand it because they’re looking for the small print.

For those of you that care, it looks like Peter Jackson may be directing the New Line version of the Hobbit after all.

After the alarming success of Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy it would seem like a no brainer for Jackson to make Tolkein’s original story about the Bagginses. However, a dispute over who owed whom what made it look like Jackson wouldn’t be involved. And there was much dispair in Middle Earth.

The theOneRing.net posted the story and Pete’s side of things created quite a stir, resulting in a massive letter writing campaign. By the looks of a recent Entertainment Weekly article Jackson may be back in the driver’s seat.

And things went back to normal in Middle Earth. Unless you keep thinking about it. All of the little fanboys claim they would have boycotted the film if Jackson didn’t direct it. But seriously, they wouldn’t. They might grumble and complain and pan it in their blog, but they’d go see it. Hell, they buy it when it came out on DVD. All of the versions. Even the one with the stuffed monkey that has nothing to do with the film. They’d buy them and hate their lack of faithfulness to Jackson. I think all of them need to write to New Line and tell them how much they appreciate New Line saving them lots of cash on therapy.

Tune in tomorrow for further adventures in Hobbitton and why people really wanted Jackson back at the helm of The Hobbit.