Drunken Pumpkin

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.

writer
died November 30, 1900

I wonder if TV is so popular because you pretty much always know what’s going to happen next.

I recently started watching TV again after a nine year hiatus. At first I was pretty entertained by some of the new detective/science shows like the CSI and Law and Order franchises. But lately, with all the marathons of these shows I’m remembering why I didn’t really miss TV all that much.

If you watch the clock you can always tell when the investigators are following a good lead versus a bad one. I found the House was particularly bad about this. If it’s ten minutes to the hour I can tell you if the patient is going to live or die. The same holds true for Law and Order, but they slice it a little thinner and will have the resolution in the last two minutes or so.

I like trying to figure out who the guilty party is before they announce it, and I think that’s the general idea behind a lot of detective programming. However, the challenge is missing when I can sort out that some lead is bogus, not from logical thought or intuition, even, but by virtue of the time stamp. If I was in charge of these types of programs I’d have tons of multi episode storylines and cases that resolved themselves in half an hour, just to mess with people like me.

Maybe I’d enjoy the chase more if I turned the clock around while watching CSI next time, but I’m pretty sure the ex-wife is guilty, anyway.

The “Introductory Period” on our cable is running thin, and soon we may need to decide on whether or not to keep it. I’ve recently discovered On Demand, and that put the TV back in the running, but it was looking pretty grim there for a while. I’m still not convinced it’s a worthy expense, but only time will tell.

Tune in next time when I rant about the coming of Christmas, and why shopping online is probably the way to go.

The holidays have to be an awesome time for those in broadcast journalism. For the most part your news is already sorted out, you just need the details colored in.

First, just before Thanksgiving you do a story on tryptophan, the chemical in turkey that makes you sleepy.

Then you have you’re Black Friday updates.

After that you can do a story about shopping three to four times a week.

Don’t forget all of those touching moments where families come together after x number of years.

You also need to talk about the light displays in the community, both on public and private property.

On a slow newsday, anything that would be a drag the rest of the year becomes a tremendous tragedy around Christmas. House fires are especially good.

House fires also lead us into a story about safety with the Christmas tree.

And lets not forget the segment on Holiday depression/stress.

Last, but not least, we have radar coverage of Santa up to midnight.

There you have it, you can watch the news, or just read the Pumpkin and fill in the details yourself.

Your Welcome. Tune in next time when I realize I haven’t done any of my own holiday shopping, despite having a list for the last two months.

Take a look around you. I’ll bet the room you’re sitting in is a big box, right? But is it really?

I’ve discovered that rooms that look like they are pretty simplified, really aren’t. Just take another look at the room you’re in. Big box. But there are probably doors and windows, maybe a closet. Then think about the light fixtures, switches, and outlets. Where does all of that crap go? The big box just got a lot more complicated. Then look real close at the door. Does the floor go under the wall joists or up to it? Is that closet built in? And were these walls ever plumb?

I watched my bathroom get a new floor over thanksgiving. And I was pretty thankful that I wasn’t the one jacking around with a hammer and chisel trying to get a piece of OSB to fit into a whole that looked square, but really wasn’t. And if you want something really exciting take a peek at your bathroom and count the number of weird little spots that need holes drilled or cut in the floor and/or wall.

If you’re bored some time and want an exercise in frustration decide to pull up a big chunk of floor in your house. Choose that room that looks the most like a box and have go at it, I say. Then pull out the walls, ’cause the floor goes under them and won’t come out any other way, and then get ready to do some rewiring since you accidentally pulled off some junction box you didn’t know was there and still can’t explain. Oh yeah, home improvement is lots of little surprises.

Tune in tomorrow when we talk about the joys of the season.

I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it - died in a hotel room.

writer
died November 27, 1953

Thursday is the Thanksgiving holiday in the United States. So it is time for the American president to take part in the annual ritual of sparing the life of the National Thanksgiving Turkey.

Neither Rumsfeld nor Gonzales were available for comment.

This nativity scene was discovered at a retirement community. Looks like someone has not been taking their old people meds.

Drove all night came at dawn to a warm, misty place. Barking dogs and the sound of running water. William S. Burroughs Naked Lunch

Years ago David Cronenberg made a movie of Burroughs’ Naked Lunch. In fact, that’s pretty much where I first heard about Bill. In retrospect, I think that David Lynch might have been a better choice to make the film adaptation of this particular novel. Cronenberg should consider adapting Junky, that would be a hoot and a film that matches his sensibilities, really.

I say Lynch would have made a better version of Naked Lunch mainly based on style. In Naked Lunch Burroughs has no real plot, or even consistent characters. (Barring Dr. Benway, who shows up fairly frequently, but I’m not sure it’s the same Benway, to be honest.) What the book really consists of is a long series of vignettes of increasing alarm and depravity. Each one has its own internal poetry and power, but is not a cohesive whole, nor, do I think, was it meant to be. I’ve discovered that the best way to experience Naked Lunch, the book, is through recordings of Burroughs reading passages of it. Each scene is relatively complete and has its own rhythms that are best expressed through Burroughs nasally drawl.

David Lynch tends to approach filmmaking in this same manner. At least, when left to his own devices Lynch does this. But if we look at something like Lost Highway, we see a man making a movie that is loosely tied together, but is really a long string of striking images and scenarios that are best considered individually, rather than collectively. So, in this respect, Lynch already understands Burroughs’ intentions, and should have little to no trouble conveying them.

And that’s your random literary/film criticism for the day. Tune in tomorrow, when we talk about the next alien abduction and what that means for your workday.

Use this turkey as a centerpiece for the children’s table at Thanksgiving! A pumpkin is used for the turkey’s body, and you and your kids add the head, wings and feathers.
Things You’ll Need
• Thick Craft Glues
• Wooden Skewers
• Bedsheets
• Crayons
• Miniature Pumpkins
• Thin Cardboard
• Pumpkins
• Popsicle Sticks
• Scissors
• Sharp Knife
• Toothpicks
• Old Newspapers
• Construction paper
• Felt tip pens
• Push Pins
• Thumbtacks

Determine the size of pumpkin to be used. One large pumpkin or several small ones? The size of the pumpkin will determine the size of the construction paper cutouts you make.

Clear off a large table or other work surface and cover with an old bedsheet or newspaper to protect the surface.

Draw two turkey heads ‘ front and back - 10 feathers and a right and left wing onto construction paper for each pumpkin turkey to be made. Use brown paper for the head and use autumn-colored paper - brown, green, orange, dark blue - for the wings and feathers. Make sure to include the turkey’s neck in your head pieces.

Use crayons or markers to color in drawings and use scissors to cut out the shapes. Color only on one side, though. The feathers and turkey heads will be glued back-to-back to make five feathers and one head. The wings won’t be glued together, but draw on only one side of those as well.

Reinforce the cutouts made for large turkeys by gluing them onto thin cardboard and then cutting them out again. Because you are going to be gluing the feather cutouts and the head cutouts together, affix cardboard to only half of the feathers and one head piece.

Place a thin layer of glue on the back of one of the head pieces. Position a Popsicle stick or wooden skewer on the back of the cutout so that half of the stick extends from the bottom of the turkey’s neck and the other half is glued on to the back of the cutout.

Place the two turkey heads together, back to back, so that they are stuck together by the glue applied earlier and so that the Popsicle stick or wooden skewer is sandwiched between the two pieces. Repeat for the feathers. Allow the glue to dry.

Use a knife, scissors or an extra Popsicle stick or wooden skewer to make small holes through the pumpkin’s skin where the head and feathers will go. Push cutouts into the pumpkin so that the feathers fan out behind the turkey’s head.

Glue the wings to the side of the pumpkin. Use thumbtacks or push pins to hold wings in place while the glue dries. Remove tacks or pins, and you’re done!

Tips & Warnings
• Use a large pumpkin for a centerpiece and several smaller ones to mark your children’s places at their table. You or they can write their names on the fronts of the miniature pumpkins with a black felt-tip pen.
• Cut 20 feather pieces for a large pumpkin turkey. This will give you 10 feathers to place on the turkey’s body.
• Use children’s Thanksgiving books and coloring books to find models for your construction paper cutouts.
• Make sure that the cutouts that you and your children make are in proportion to the size of pumpkin used. Try out different-size heads, wings and feathers. The head should sit toward the front of the pumpkin, and the feathers should fan out behind the head.
• Glue a piece of cardboard onto the back of one of the turkey head pieces before you cut the shape out of construction paper. This will help you keep a large turkey head erect.
• Use toothpicks instead of Popsicle sticks or wooden skewers for small cutouts.