Drunken Pumpkin

My wife sent this, and it seemed pretty funny.

44%

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

As you recall from yesterday a toilet was installed in my new house. And it drained right into my basement, which is a bad place for that kind of thing to end up. Again, the problem was a drain that had broken off, yadda yadda yadda. The real joy was when I realized that not only did my toilet fire it’s contents into my basement, but my toilet tank had a slight leak as well. How do you fix a leaky toilet tank? Well, step one is to empty the tank by turning off the water and flushing the toilet. Into the basement. *sigh*

Now, the previous owner had run up against one of my earlier problems; how do you attach a 2 inch pipe to a 4 inch pipe? The answer is adapters, and lots of them. My house is over a hundred years old, so it’s acquired some eccentricities over time. The plumbing is by no means the least of them, just the most currently pressing. But guess what happens when two pieces of metal that are kept damp, pretty much constantly, for a few decades? That’s right they become one piece of metal.

Fortune was on my side, this time. As I stood on a pipe desperately trying to undo years of corrosion I noted that the inside drain pipe was PVC. Enter the chisel and pry bar. A little aggression and a reused pvc endcap and my toilet drained into the river like all decent toilets.

Now I could get down to the fun of emptying out the toilet upstairs and sticking my hand in all of the water that wouldn’t drain out, because these things aren’t really meant to empty completely. Needless to say, this whole adventure was much less taxing than the basement situation. Although I did discover that I bought pretty much all new guts for the toilet when all I really needed was a new washer and nut. But now the inside of my toilet is all shiny and new. I’m thinking of leaving the lid off of the tank just so folks can admire it. But then I’m not sure where to hide the guns if I do that.

Tune in next time when I realize I have to go back to work this week and still don’t really know what I’m doing.

I installed a toilet yesterday. And the day before. The installation of the toilet required a rewrite, which is why it took two days.

Technically, the last two months have been headed towards the installation of this toilet, but really, it was only in the last two days that it took place. Or maybe it was three days. Four at the most.

Anyway, for those of you that don’t know, toilets are attached to the sewer via a flange attached to your bathroom floor, that goes into a big pipe, which goes into a bigger pipe, which goes into a bigger pipe, which houses a Batman villain. Previously, I didn’t have that flange.

Most plumbing confounds me. On the surface it seems pretty self explanatory, screw that pipe to that pipe and hope for the best. But what happens when the pipes are different sizes, or types (metal v plastic), or, worse yet, threaded or smooth. And shouldn’t they end in a valve or something? But this flange really messed with me. Seriously, the drain to a toilet is really just a big hole in the ground, but if you don’t hook things up right your in deep crap, in a much too literal sense. However, the installation of the flange, which I thought would take some skill, amounted to: buy flange, apply soap, stomp in place, screw to the floor. That’s it, the high tech tool was a booted foot.

After that the fun started.

When I replaced the floor in my bathroom a drain pipe in the basement was broken. Since it went to a non-existent appliance I wasn’t concerned. In fact, I didn’t notice. Now, I’ve been using my kitchen sink and such for a little while with no ill effects. The first time I flushed the toilet, however, that was all to change. Apparently, when you hit a “T” in a drain with a couple gallons of water at a go it tends to go wherever the hell it wants to, unlike when a small stream of water threads it’s way down the same stretch of pipe and follows the correct path. I must say, I’m glad we tested the toilet for leaks and checked the basement before christening our new toilet, that would have been bad.

Of course, that wasn’t the only leak, just the one most pressing, so to speak. But this has become a little long winded. Just like the toilet itself, this story will have to be handled in more than one day.

Tune in tomorrow for another exciting episode of plumbing.

La. men claim buffet eatery banned them

HOUMA, La. - A 265-pound man says a restaurant overcharged him for his trips to the buffet, then banned him and a relative because of how much they consumed during their visits.

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Today’s secret word is “Scuttlebutt”.

The next time you hear anyone say “Scuttlebutt” scream at them and call them a Hillbilly, preferably while stomping on their right foot. Right foot, not left, that is an important distinction.

Drop us a line about how well that turned out.

I predict this will be the year when Americans complain about the President, yet fail to go out and vote.

I predict lots of whining and complaining (largely from bloggers, like me) about the apathetic nature of our countries youth. Meanwhile, those self-same bloggers will remain anonymous, and cozy in their routines of TV and Internet Porn.

I predict that aliens will buzz by our planet, yet again, look at our behaviour towards one another, and say “bugger that for a game of soldiers”. As an added bonus, that phrase will actually make sense to them, unlike the rest of us.

I also predict that some dumb bunny will write, “I would like to see a continuation of the topic” in our comments again, and get blocked.

I resolve that I will continue to be angry with the world in general.

I further resolve I will use that anger to my amusement, and possibly yours, but I make no promises there.

I resolve that Jeff and I will appear on this website. Yes, I’m making resolutions for Jeff now, too.

I resolve for there to be some more original content. Don’t know what yet, but we’re working on it.

I also resolve that there will be ads from Project Wonderful. Just as soon as I figure out how to do that.

A little note about Project Wonderful. We don’t have to subtlely encourage click fraud to make some money off of these folks. People just bid for adspace, not clicks or sales or any of that crap. I’m certain if they make a lot of cash off of us we can get more out of them, but we get paid per day, which is pretty nice.

Anyway, in the coming year, expect a lot of the same as last year, but this time you should know it’s coming.

Tune in next time when I tell you the secret word of the day.