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{ Monthly Archives }
February 2008
Beowulf is Coming, Hide the CGI
I saw Beowulf in the theater, and, quite frankly, I was unimpressed. The story was fairly good, which is quite a feat if you’ve ever read a translation of the original. However, all of that CGI was just kind of crap.
I understand that this was some kind of Breakthrough film and all of that, but it wasn’t a breakthrough that was needed. I’m still not sure why they didn’t just have the actors act and then fill in the bits that wouldn’t work with CGI. After all, one of the cast members has a “Sir” in front of his name, I’m pretty sure he could pull off just about anything that they wanted, and I doubt Sir Anthony would have kept the wooden expression on his face like his CG counterpart did. Those unmoving expressions are what really killed the film for me. I don’t know if this is the case, but I recall their mouths all moving a little like Wallace’s from Wallace and Grommit. Maybe that’s just me.
Of course, Beowulf does have a naked Angelina Jolie dipped in gold. That’s nearly worth the price of admission right there. But then you have to sit through two hours of wooden faces and oddly stressed sentences to get there.
I wish Gaiman would go back to writing comics. Sandman kicked ass. His novels are all excellent, but his films are a little weak. MirrorMask was pretty, but pointless. And Beowulf, had better writing, but wanted too much to be known for its technical prowess. So, head on out to Wal-Mart and take a good long look at the DVD case and remember that face, make sure you like it, because that’s the only one you get in this sucker.
Tune in next time when it’s not my birthday and I’m ranting about something else.
Yes, You Are That Stupid
Okay, have ads always assumed that consumers were absolute gimps?
The new Cuervo and Cola ad just pisses me off. “How do you order a Cuervo and Cola?” Gee, I don’t know maybe by saying, “Pee in a cup of mud for me, Frank.” That’s how I’d do it.
No wonder I never get what I want.
And then, they assume the bartender’s an idiot as well. Can you imagine that, walking into a bar and ordering a Gin and Tonic and the guy reaches for a shot glass. “Hey, @#%$tard, I asked for a Gin and Tonic, two fluids, one glass. You’re gonna need more room.”
Seriously, I don’t like any kind of tequila, but there’s no way I’d drink one made by a company that assumes I’m to braindead to ask for a beverage where the name is a list of ingredients. Maybe they just guess their target audience has been using their product for sometime now and have trouble stringing words together anymore. Remember folks, the worm is just for show.
Tune in next time when I might not be trying to give Spider Jerusalem a run for his money.
Vonage, Those Lying Bastards
I teach Composition for a living, which is really the nice way of saying I teach lying for a living. So, I found it rather ironic that while I was complaining about the Vonage ads Scratch reminded me that ads were supposed to lie.
I’ve never used Vonage, but I’ve used Skype, their free corollary. Vonage, in their ads, rail against Comcast and AT&T for their “bundled” services, saying they force people to get something they don’t need to get a deal. Well, let’s think about this for a minute. Without High speed internet Vonage doesn’t work, at all. So, now in order to use their service you must first purchase high speed internet, probably from a local phone or cable company. Therefore, you now have “bundled” your service with Vonage, but instead of paying one bill for two services, you get the more traditional two bills for two services. Amazing.
Maybe it’s me, but I don’t see that as a boon.
I’ve never used Vonage, but I’ve used Skype, their free corollary. Skype is okay for what I used it for (affordable overseas calling), but I don’t really like it. However, the best part about Skype is that you can talk to other Skype users tethered to their machines for free. Not “free” as in “included in the price” like those other calling plans that offer “free long-distance”, but free as in “not costing anything”.
Of course, the downside to any of these services is the crap sound quality you get. If you’re old, like me, you might remember the old Sprint commercials with the “pin drop” thing. That’s right, years ago call quality was so good you could hear a pin drop over the phone. Now we have these garbage cell phone quality calls where the catch phrase is, “can you hear me?” Note, they never say, can you understand me, but just hear me. If you ever get a chance use an old rotary phone sometime. Preferably with someone using the same on both ends. You will be astounded how different the quality is. I’d say you could give me a call, but my wife chucked my rotary during the last move, and all we have now are these damn cell phones. *sigh*
Anyway, come back next time for more advertising hatred.
Lawyer has a lesson in semantics
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a state trooper. He thinks that he is smarter than the trooper because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any trooper. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the troopers expense.
Trooper: ‘License and registration, please.’
Lawyer: ‘What for?’
Trooper: ‘You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’
Lawyer: ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’
Trooper: ‘You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.’
Lawyer: ‘What’s the difference?’
Trooper: ‘The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!’
Lawyer: ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’
Trooper: ‘Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.’
Continue Reading »
Thought for the day ~ Oscar Wilde
I’m so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a word of what I’m saying.
Political Science for Dummies
| DEMOCRATIC |
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. |
| REPUBLICANISM |
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? |
| SOCIALIST |
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. |
| COMMUNIST |
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. |
|
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE |
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. |
|
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE |
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. |
| AMERICAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. |
| FRENCH CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. |
| JAPANESE CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. |
| GERMAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. |
| ITALIAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. |
| RUSSIAN CORPORATION |
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. |
| TALIBAN CORPORATION |
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. |
| BELGIAN CORPORATION |
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. |
| FLORIDA CORPORATION |
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. |
| CALIFORNIA CORPORATION |
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. |
