Drunken Pumpkin

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing porn movies on the screens at the gas pumps so that you can watch someone else getting screwed at the same time you’re getting screwed !!

The world is not really a functional place these days. Long ago when things would go to hell it was common for people to protest or become poiltically active. When that happens now we call the perpetrators “hippies”, and, frankly, no one wants to be part of that great unwashed conclave.

But what do we do when we have thoughts and feelings that just make us want to burst? Well, we could be like Smoochy and howl, which certainly has its benefits, but can also tend to make you look like a hippy doing some “primal scream therapy” or suchlike. No, the modern solution is a blog or website.

Blogs are great solutions to real activism, because in one respect you are shouting your beliefs from the rooftops. When you’re on the internet anyone, and everyone, can see you. There is a certain sense of pride that one gets knowing people in India can read what was written in Indiana.

The other excellent part of blogs versus real activism is they are like putting up posters in your room. Chances are, no one else will ever see them. If you have the option of listening to some dink whine about saving his favorite molusc bar from foreclosure, or looking at Jessica Simpson naked, which one are you gonna choose? (Remember, your wife can’t really see inside your head.)

That’s right folks, blogging is the new safe activism. It used to be bitching around the watercooler, but people can see your face then and that’s just no good.

Tune in next time when I tell you about my electrical burns and insulation up my nose. Unless, of course, you want to forward me those naked pics of Jessica Simpson.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

Because I said so, that’s why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY

Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.

Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

You’re just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

I don’t like it when my life invades DruPum all that much. However, I think I should explain the recent silence from me. It isn’t that I don’t like all of you unknown people anymore. Usually, I have to at least see someone before deciding I’d like to kick their teeth in. The problem is the recent move has left me without access to the internets. And there my troubles begin.

The new house was originally built in 1890. Obviously, they didn’t have electricity back then. Over the course of the last century my house has been “updated” by many folks. Most of them didn’t have a clue what they were doing. Now, when I plug in my computer and turn on the TV, the bathroom light goes out. So, that’s a problem that needs some fixin’.

I have a friend who is an electrician, and he’s going to do the work for me to get my house approaching code. It really was quite funny listening to him splutter over the state of my electrics. He kept asking, “Why would they do this?” And I kept telling him that I stopped asking those kinds of questions a long time ago.

As an example of the funhouse wiring I have we found no less than 2 breakers that had tremendous amounts of wire that terminated at wire nuts or electrical tape. That’s all, just live wires that go nowhere. And the bulk of the house (read that as all) is on one 20 amp breaker. Okay, that’s not true, my front porch light is on it’s own breaker.

So, that’s what’s going on in my neck of the woods. I’ve been playing with copper spaghetti and trying to keep my house from burning down, and I haven’t even got into the spiders yet. I don’t know what’s up with Jeff. Maybe he’s gone back to Dagoba for more Jedi training. You never know with Jeff.

Tune in next time, which I hope will be sooner, when we can discuss why Hillary really isn’t working class, even if she gets drunk with frat boys.