Drunken Pumpkin

A prisoner had just been sentenced for a heinous crime and was returned to his cell. An inquisitive guard could not wait to ask him about the outcome.
      Guard:”What did you get for a sentence?”
      Prisoner: “I could choose life or 100 years.”
      Guard: “And what did you choose?”
      Prisoner: “Well, life, obviously. Statistically speaking that is shorter.”

As a biologist, a physicist, and a statistician are riding on a train through Wisconsin, they pass a herd of cows, one of which is completely white.
      Biologist: “Oh look, there are white cows in Wisconsin.”
      Physicist: “You mean there is at least one white cow in Wisconsin.”
      Statistician: “No, there is at least one cow in Wisconsin that’s white on at least one side!”

A man was in a hot-air balloon. Soon he found himself lost with nothing but green fields for as far as the eye could see. Eventually, he happened to float over a man who was walking his dog. He leaned over the basket and yelled out, “Hello! Where am I?”

The man on the ground replied, “You’re about 20 feet above the ground in a hot-air balloon.”

The balloonist cursed him and shouted back, “You must be a statistician.”

“Why do you say that?” asked the man on the ground.

“Well,” shouted the balloonist, “You’re absolutely correct but your answer was completely useless.”

“Oh I see,” replied the walker, “And you must be a manager.”

“Actually, you’re right,” said the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the walker, “first you were lost. Then, after working out what information you needed to sort yourself out, you asked someone else to get it for you. Now, that you have the information, you’re still lost, but it’s someone else’s fault.”

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing porn movies on the screens at the gas pumps so that you can watch someone else getting screwed at the same time you’re getting screwed !!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

Because I said so, that’s why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY

Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.

Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

You’re just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him.
“What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied,
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.”

“The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”