Drunken Pumpkin

Thus, we’d like to present a translation guide to help in zeroing in on what employment advertisements are actually seeking.

Competitive Salary ~ We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

Join our fast-paced company ~ We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere ~ We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Some overtime required ~ Some every night and some every weekend.

Duties will vary ~ Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail ~ We have no quality assurance.

Career-minded ~ Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person ~ If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience ~ You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

Problem-solving skills a must ~ You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills ~ You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills ~ Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing porn movies on the screens at the gas pumps so that you can watch someone else getting screwed at the same time you’re getting screwed !!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

Because I said so, that’s why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY

Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.

Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

You’re just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him.
“What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied,
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”